The Drama Triangle: Dysfunctional Relationship Patterns

Greetings, and welcome to the sixth video in this series on interpersonal effectiveness. In the previous video, we explored four destructive tendencies in relationships, criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, for which we need to act opposite. In this video, we will discuss three destructive roles in relationships, the victim, the rescuer, and the abuser, which perpetuate unresolved issues rather than deal with them. In short, this is another case for acting opposite. So let’s get started.

Okay. So, Another dysfunctional pattern that tends to play out in relationships is what’s called the drama triangle, which involves endless iter--, iterations of the victim, rescuer, and abuser roles. Now, in some situations, there really is a victim, there really is an abuser, and there really is a rescuer. So for example, if a teacher notices signs of child abuse in a student and reports the parent, the student was a victim, the parent was an abuser, and the teacher was a rescuer.

Emerald, D., & Lanphear, R. (2015). The power of TED* (*the empowerment dynamic): 10th anniversary edition. Polaris Publishing.,Reutter, K. (2019). The dialectical behavior therapy skills workbook for PTSD: Practical exercises for overcoming trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder. New Harbinger Publications.,Weinhold, B. K., & Weinhold, J. B. (2014). How to break free of the drama triangle and victim consciousness. CICRCL Press.

However, in many situations in life, the roles of victim, rescuer, and abuser are just that, roles that people play. The problem with these roles is that they constantly change and, furthermore, are mostly a matter of perception or perspective. So in other words, the role that you think you’re playing is not necessarily the role anyone else thinks you’re playing. Furthermore, it is even possib--, possible to play more than one role at once. So for example, abusers often think they are victims or even rescuers, and victims often become rescuers or abusers themselves.

Emerald, D., & Lanphear, R. (2015). The power of TED* (*the empowerment dynamic): 10th anniversary edition. Polaris Publishing.,Reutter, K. (2019). The dialectical behavior therapy skills workbook for PTSD: Practical exercises for overcoming trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder. New Harbinger Publications.,Weinhold, B. K., & Weinhold, J. B. (2014). How to break free of the drama triangle and victim consciousness. CICRCL Press.

So Let me give you an example. So, Let’s assume a disgruntled father feels like he pulls all the weight at home and gets no respect. In short, he feels like a victim. So one day, the father decides to lay down the law by making his lazy kids do two hours of chores before school. Now the kids who see Dad as an unpredictable tyrant also feel like the victims. But do the kids see dad as a victim? Of course not, they see dad as the abuser. The mom sees what’s going on, so she decides to intervene on behalf of the children. Therefore, mom is now the rescuer. However, dad now feels even more like the victim, since his wife just undermined his paternal authority.

But does dad see mom as the rescuer? No, he sees her as the abuser. But of course, the wife doesn’t feel like the abuser at all. On the contrary, she also feels like the victim. After all, she is simply trying to stand up for her kids. So now the kids see what’s going on between the parents, and they decide to stick up for mom. So now, who are the new rescuers, the new victims, the new abusers? Do you see how this is going nowhere fast? Tragically, dysfunctional relational cycles like this carry on for years and sometimes even decades. So, in other words, rather than resolving conflict, these roles only perpetuate it indefinitely.

That’s why we need to, you guessed it, act opposite. The opposite of a victim is a creator. The opposite of a rescuer is a coach. And the opposite of an abuser is a challenger. So whereas victims feel like they are powerless, creators know they have options and, even if they don’t, they create them. Whereas rescuers further enable dysfunction, coaches empower people to help themselves. And whereas abusers hurt other pepor--, other people, challengers confront without hurting.

Emerald, D., & Lanphear, R. (2015). The power of TED* (*the empowerment dynamic): 10th anniversary edition. Polaris Publishing.,Reutter, K. (2019). The dialectical behavior therapy skills workbook for PTSD: Practical exercises for overcoming trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder. New Harbinger Publications.,Weinhold, B. K., & Weinhold, J. B. (2014). How to break free of the drama triangle and victim consciousness. CICRCL Press.

This is referred to as the assertiveness cycle. So once again, the key is to recognize these roles and especially to recognize when you are playing one of these roles, because drama requires all three of these roles. And as long as one person catches themselves and stops playing the role, then the drama cycle stops. So the key here is just to summarize, to recognize these roles and, if you catch yourself engaged in one of these roles, stop playing the role and act opposite.

Emerald, D., & Lanphear, R. (2015). The power of TED* (*the empowerment dynamic): 10th anniversary edition. Polaris Publishing.,Reutter, K. (2019). The dialectical behavior therapy skills workbook for PTSD: Practical exercises for overcoming trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder. New Harbinger Publications.,Weinhold, B. K., & Weinhold, J. B. (2014). How to break free of the drama triangle and victim consciousness. CICRCL Press.

So Let’s summarize what we learned in this video. Point number one: another dysfunctional pattern that tends to play out in relationships is the drama triangle, which involves endless iterations of the victim, rescuer, and abuser roles. In some situations, there really is a victim, there really is an abuser, and there really is a rescuer. So for example, if a teacher notices signs of child abuse and a student reports the parent, the student was a victim, the parent was an abuser, and the teacher was a rescuer.

Point number two: however, in many situations in life the roles of victim, rescuer, and abuser are just that, roles that people play. The problem with these roles is that they constantly change and are mostly a matter of perception or perspective. In other words, the role that you think you are playing is not necessarily the role anyone else thinks you are playing. Furthermore, it is even possible to play more than one role at once. For example, abusers often think they are victims or even rescuers, and victims often become rescuers or abusers themselves.

And point number three: rather than resolving conflict, these roles only perpetuate it indefinitely. This is another opportunity to act opposite. The opposite of a victim is a creator. The opposite of a rescuer is a coach. And the opposite of an abuser is a challenger. Whereas victims feel like they are powerless, creators know they have options and, even if they don’t, they create them. Whereas rescuers further enable dysfunction, coaches empower people to help themselves. And whereas abusers hurt other people, challengers confront without hurting. This is referred to as the assertiveness cycle.