Acting Opposite in Relationships: Negotiation Skills

United States Department of Homeland Security

We all have certain urges which, when acted upon, make things worse.
This is called the stupid cycle.
The best way to exit the stupid cycle is to act opposite to the urge.
Relationship experts have identified the four behaviors which best predict the dissolution of relationships.
In marriage, the clearest predictive behaviors of divorce are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.
Contempt is the largest predictor of divorce.
Criticism and defensiveness are a two-person stupid cycle.
If patterns of criticism and defensiveness escalate, they will result in an even more intense and destructive cycle of contempt and stonewalling.
It is imperative to recognize these urges and act opposite.
The opposite of criticism is to use a gentle startup.
The opposite of defensiveness is to take responsibility.
The opposite of contempt is to use “I feel” and “I need” statements.
The opposite of stonewalling is to self-soothe.