Now that Lisa and Mark could handle autonomic hyperarousal better, the problem became talking over and interrupting each other. Each grew impatient when the other spent too much time defending their position or explaining without seeking or allowing any input.
The Talking Stick
The couple’s homework assignment was to find a talking stick to help with traffic control when talking with each other. Each partner had to select three items that could be used as a talking stick. Whoever was holding the talking stick got to speak, and the other could not speak until they were holding it.
They had a lot of fun scavenging around their house for potential talking sticks. Mark’s choices were the engraved cake knife from their wedding; a fountain pen he’d received from his parents as a college graduation gift; and a big fat candy cane. Lisa chose a sparkly pink magic wand with ribbon streamers she’d received as a gag gift; a big silk sunflower; and a rainbow-colored whisk. In session, each presented and made a case for the items they’d chosen.
Mark said the cake knife represented one of the happiest days of their lives. Lisa countered that a knife didn’t send the best message and, though the edge was dull, it could still cut them. She thought the fountain pen was an excellent idea, but was afraid it might get lost when it was precious to Mark. She found the candy cane funny, but it would get decrepit and sticky if its wrapper came loose.
Holding a sparkly magic wand felt silly to Mark and would make it hard for him to concentrate. He thought the silk flower was on the right track but not sturdy enough. He liked the whisk: its attractiveness, sturdiness, and safety, and how comfortable its handle was to hold. It also reminded him of their pleasure in cooking together. It took up a ceremonial spot on the kitchen , and they moved it to the coffee table or night stand when they left the room.
In Dr. Squyres Groubert’s office a long glass wand was used as the talking stick, by all three parties. It’s filled with colored oil and pieces of glitter that swirl when the wand is flipped over.
Active Listening Skills
Once the talking stick and traffic rules were established, there was some brief work on active listening skills. Lisa and Mark were in professions requiring frequent and excellent use of them. Both found this to be harder at home than at work, and when emotions were running high. They agreed to remind themselves to use the listening skills they employed in the workplace when at home, and that worked well.
Looking for practical everyday tools? This print-friendly handout is just what you need. Click on the following link to download the PDF:
The Talking Stick: Improving Dialogue in Couples Therapy
The talking stick method offers a means of improving communication in couples therapy. Rooted in the principle of active listening, the rule is that only the person holding the stick can speak and offer their perspective, minimizing interruptions and promoting a balanced dialogue. To make this experience more profound, couples can be encouraged to collaboratively choose an object as their talking stick, considerations ranging from sentimental items to everyday objects. This selection process becomes an engaging exercise, inviting couples to reflect on shared experiences and mutual values. Additionally, therapists can have a designated talking stick within their clinical space, modeling and reinforcing constructive communication.
Instructions
To use the talking stick method in couples therapy sessions, therapists should first introduce the foundational idea: only the person holding the talking stick speaks, ensuring undivided attention from the other. Begin by highlighting the method’s role in preventing common conversational pitfalls. Encourage couples to seek and select an item to serve as their talking stick, which can become a therapeutic journey of revisiting shared memories and values. This serves the primary purpose of improving communication and engages couples in a joint commitment to the therapy process. While the couple’s chosen object is central, having an additional talking stick in the therapeutic setting can be important. It serves as both a functional tool and a constant visual cue, reinforcing focused and respectful communication.