Brake #1: Pressure for Sex
The primary challenge, or brake number one, identified by Kelly was pressure for sex. In addressing this issue, it is necessary to make sex explicitly off-limits for some time. While Kelly and James might argue that they have avoided sex, the lack of explicit boundaries has created constant pressure and ambiguity around their sexual relationship.
To alleviate this pressure, they must reach a mutual understanding to abstain from sex. This is not a permanent solution but a temporary intervention designed to mitigate sexual pressure. It’s crucial to clarify this point as the couple might misconstrue the suggestion as a permanent cessation of their sexual relationship, which isn’t the intent.
James may initially express confusion over this, as therapy aims to improve their sex life, not suppress it. However, questioning whether their current approach is yielding success may open the pathway for him to consider trying this new approach. This ‘no-sex’ agreement sets the stage for the subsequent interventions, addressing the second and third challenges that hit the brake pedal.
Navigating Emotional Disconnection
After sex has been removed from the equation, it’s vital to note that James identifies sex as his primary connection method. The ‘no-sex’ agreement might feel like a significant loss to him, necessitating new methods for emotional connection.
Identifying New Ways to Connect
To facilitate this process, the couple can be assigned an exercise to brainstorm ten different non-sexual ways to connect and start implementing them. The book The Love Prescription by John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman can serve as a useful guide in this process.
Research has shown that it is often the small connections, rather than grand gestures, that bring couples together. Thus, implementing small, daily activities such as a six-second kiss when parting or having brief stress-reducing conversations where each partner can vent can significantly enhance their connection.
The Six-Second Kiss
The premise behind this activity is to create a mindful moment of connection each day. Upon departing for the day, the couple engages in a kiss that lasts six seconds—long enough to be significant and intimate but short enough to fit into a busy schedule. The six-second kiss pauses the daily rush, allowing the couple to share a moment of intimacy and connection, strengthening their bond.
Stress-Reducing Conversations
Another small but impactful method of connection is having regular stress-reducing conversations. These are brief dialogues, lasting no longer than 10-15 minutes, during which each partner can freely express their stresses and frustrations while the other listens empathetically. It’s important to note that the aim here isn’t to solve problems or provide advice but to listen and empathize.
Addressing James’s Sexual Desire
While the ‘no-sex’ agreement is in place, it’s crucial for James to explore alternative ways to address his sexual desire. A conversation about self-stimulation (a less emotionally charged term for masturbation) can be initiated. After obtaining the couple’s views on self-stimulation, James could use this method to address his sexual desire while sex remains off-limits in the relationship.
Looking for practical everyday tools? This print-friendly handout is just what you need. Click on the following link to download the PDF:
Addressing Sexual Pressure: Interventions for Couples in Therapy
This handout presents an approach for therapists to address sexual pressure in couples therapy. It outlines the implementation of a temporary ‘no-sex’ agreement as an initial intervention designed to alleviate sexual pressure. The guide emphasizes the importance of mutual understanding and clear communication about the temporary nature of this agreement. It also explores ways to facilitate emotional connection without sex, suggesting activities like the six-second kiss and stress-reducing conversations. These methods aim to strengthen the couple’s bond through non-sexual intimacy. Additionally, the handout addresses managing sexual desire during the ‘no-sex’ period, introducing discussions around self-stimulation as an alternative means of desire management. This approach provides therapists with a framework to support couples in overcoming challenges related to sexual pressure, fostering a healthier and more balanced sexual dynamic.
Instructions
Incorporate this handout into your therapeutic approach when addressing sexual pressure in couples therapy. Consider establishing a temporary ‘no-sex’ agreement with the couple, ensuring clear communication about its purpose and temporary nature. This agreement is designed to alleviate sexual pressure and should be mutually understood and agreed upon. Next, guide the couple in exploring non-sexual ways of connecting. Suggest they brainstorm activities or refer to resources like “The Love Prescription” by John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman for ideas. Implement specific practices such as the six-second kiss and stress-reducing conversations, focusing on building emotional intimacy. Additionally, discuss alternative methods for managing sexual desire, such as self-stimulation, particularly in situations where sexual desire is a significant component of the relationship. These interventions should be tailored to fit the couple’s comfort level and therapy goals, aiding them in developing a more balanced and fulfilling sexual relationship.