The Importance of Sex Education in Therapy
Most couples seeking professional guidance lack a comprehensive understanding of sexual health. As their therapist, it’s crucial to provide relevant sexual health information to help them reach their treatment goals. A fundamental aspect of this education is distinguishing between spontaneous and responsive desire. While explaining this concept, therapists should aim to normalize responsive desire.
Misconceptions About Desire
Societal and media messages frequently emphasize spontaneous desire—the notion that one should immediately and passionately want sex. Such messages can create a false standard, suggesting something is wrong with individuals who do not experience spontaneous desire. In contrast, research literature highlights that responsive desire is quite typical. Therapists should clarify to couples that neither type of desire is superior.
For instance, consider Kelly and James. Kelly may believe she is ‘broken’ because her desire is different from James’s. The therapist should reaffirm that Kelly is not broken; her desire is simply different. Both types of desire are equally valid, and neither is right or wrong.
Introducing the Dual Control Model
The Dual Control Model is an essential component of sexual health education, introducing the idea of a ‘brake pedal’ and ‘gas pedal’ for desire. Various factors can either accelerate or slow down desire. These factors are part of the biopsychosocial model discussed earlier.
Sexual response varies among individuals, with some experiencing desire before arousal while others experiencing arousal before desire. Two distinct models illustrate these pathways: the linear model (for spontaneous desire) and the circular model (for responsive desire).
The Linear Model: Spontaneous Desire
The linear model represents spontaneous desire, starting with desire, proceeding to arousal, leading to orgasm, and concluding with the resolution phase. Although this model includes three types of orgasm, the important aspect is that spontaneous desire starts with desire, leading to arousal, and then orgasm.
The Circular Model: Responsive Desire
In contrast, the circular model represents responsive desire and appears more complex. The model starts with a person being receptive to being sexual. Following the circle, a sexual stimulus is required—this might involve a partner initiating sex or a suggestive book or TV show.
Assuming that biological and psychological factors are favorable, the body experiences arousal first. Following arousal comes desire. This sequence is a key difference between the linear and circular models. After desire, emotional and physical satisfaction occurs, such as having an orgasm or simply skin-to-skin contact. As a result, you increase emotional intimacy with your partner, which leads you to seek out or be receptive to sexual activity in the future.
The responsive desire model can be disrupted if any of these components are missing. For example, responsive desire can be difficult if the body is not aroused or emotional closeness to the partner is absent. However, even if a person’s primary desire is responsive, they might sometimes experience spontaneous desire, such as certain phases of a woman’s menstrual cycle.
Enhancing Sex Education
Therapists and psychologists may not have extensive knowledge of sex education, as most graduate programs do not teach sex therapy or sexual health education. For those seeking to enhance their understanding and provide better resources to their clients, the following recommendations may be beneficial:
- The Guide to Getting It On by Paul Joannides is a comprehensive sex education book covering a broad spectrum of sexual health topics. Couples may find it beneficial to purchase this book and read a chapter weekly, discussing all topics—even those that may initially seem uninteresting—to promote open communication about sex.
- Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski is an excellent resource on women’s sexual health. Despite its primary focus on women, the information applies to all genders. Couples can benefit from reading this book together and completing the accompanying workbook.
Looking for practical everyday tools? This print-friendly handout is just what you need. Click on the following link to download the PDF:
Sexual Desire in Focus: A Therapeutic Approach for Couples
This handout is designed to aid therapists in addressing sexual health education within couples therapy. It emphasizes the importance of normalizing different types of sexual desire, specifically the distinction between spontaneous and responsive desire, and clarifying misconceptions influenced by societal and media portrayals. The guide introduces the dual control model, explaining the linear model of spontaneous desire and the circular model of responsive desire to illustrate the diverse experiences of sexual arousal and response. Additionally, it encourages therapists to enhance their understanding of sexual health by engaging with comprehensive resources like “The Guide to Getting It On” and “Come as You Are.” This approach aims to provide therapists with the necessary tools to facilitate open, informative discussions about sexual health, helping couples understand and embrace their unique experiences of desire and intimacy.
Instructions
Incorporate this guide into your therapy sessions to enhance sexual health education among couples. Begin by explaining the differences between spontaneous and responsive sexual desire, emphasizing that both are normal and valid experiences. Use real-life examples to illustrate these concepts, helping couples understand and accept their own and their partner’s experiences of desire. Introduce the dual control model, explaining the linear and circular models of sexual response to clarify the varying pathways of arousal and desire. Use recommended resources, such as “The Guide to Getting It On” and “Come as You Are,” to broaden your understanding of sexual health and provide comprehensive support to your clients. Encourage open discussions about these topics in your sessions, fostering a comfortable and informative environment where couples can explore and improve their sexual health and intimacy.