Brake #3: Difficulty Being Present
The third brake impacting sexual desire is difficulty being present. Kelly and James need to learn about the two types of sexual arousal as these types play a role in being present.
Sexual Arousal
There are two different types of sexual arousal:
- Physiological arousal: This includes vaginal lubrication, blood flow to genitals, warm tingly feelings, and erections.
- Mind arousal: This is about being fully present during intimacy.
Mind Arousal
If a person is fully present during sex, they have good mind arousal. If they think of other things, like to-do lists, they likely have weak mental arousal.
Kelly struggles with mind arousal, finding it challenging to be mentally present during intimacy because her mind is preoccupied. Essentially, she admits to having difficulty maintaining mindfulness during such moments.
On the other hand, James feels he can stay present during sexual encounters. He describes being wholly absorbed in the experience and sensations. However, he expresses concern about Kelly’s engagement, becoming hypervigilant of her reactions and expressions. This hyper-awareness distracts him, diminishing his ability to be mindful as he becomes conscious of her lack of it.
Mindfulness and Sexual Health
Mindfulness means being present in the moment and has shown effectiveness in improving sexual desire. For instance, in women, it can help with sexual desire, arousal, and orgasmic function; in men, it can improve erectile function. Moreover, it is one of the best interventions for low sexual desire. Therefore, Kelly and James could benefit from including mindfulness in their relationship.
Sensate Focus
A practical way to teach mindfulness in the context of sex therapy is through these exercises called sensate focus. Sensate focus exercises are about touching mindfully and consist of ten phases. These exercises don’t involve sex but help couples start fresh in their physical relationship. The hallmark feature of these exercises is no pressure, demand, or expectation.
Embracing Sensations
While engaging in sensate focus exercises, one should anchor their attention on three primary sensations:
- Temperature: Is the touch warm or cool?
- Pressure: Does the touch feel firm or soft?
- Texture: Is the sensation rough or smooth?
Touching for Personal Experience
Instead of concentrating on pleasing one’s partner or wondering about their preferences, focusing on one’s own experience is imperative. The question is, “How does this touch feel for me regarding temperature, pressure, and texture?” Such an approach ensures the practice remains free from pressure, demands, or expectations. The core philosophy of sensate focus emphasizes self-awareness and being in the moment without external pressures.
Duration and Flexibility
Typically, couples dedicate 20 to 30 minutes for this exercise. However, understanding that each couple’s availability and comfort may vary, the duration can be adjusted. For those who find the recommended time challenging, shorter sessions of 10 to 15 minutes can be just as effective. Remember that you can negotiate with the couple about the duration of the exercises.
Looking for practical everyday tools? This print-friendly handout is just what you need. Click on the following link to download the PDF:
Mindfulness in Intimacy: Important Points to Remember in Sex Therapy
This handout is designed to remind therapists of the importance of mindfulness practices in sex therapy, mainly focusing on enhancing mental presence during sexual activities. It addresses the common issue of partners struggling to be mentally present during intimacy, often preoccupied with external thoughts or concerns about their partner’s engagement. The handout introduces two distinct types of sexual arousal —physiological and mind arousal— and emphasizes the importance of being fully present during sexual encounters. Key to this approach is the introduction of sensate focus exercises, which involve mindful touching without sexual intercourse, emphasizing personal sensations like temperature, pressure, and texture. The handout serves as a memo for therapists when helping couples overcome challenges related to sexual presence and intimacy.
Instructions
Use this handout as a reminder of important mindfulness practices in sex therapy sessions. Begin by educating couples on the different types of sexual arousal —physiological and mind arousal— highlighting the importance of mental presence during intimacy. Address common challenges couples face in maintaining mindfulness and provide practical solutions. Introduce sensate focus exercises to enhance mindfulness in their physical relationship. During these exercises, emphasize the importance of focusing on personal sensations, such as temperature, pressure, and texture. Encourage couples to prioritize their own experience rather than aiming to please their partner. Adapt the duration of sensate focus sessions to fit each couple’s comfort level and availability, emphasizing that shorter sessions can be equally effective. Guide couples in these practices to help them improve their sexual health and intimacy, fostering a more profound connection in their relationship.